This is my Top 5 list of the best horse parts. Whole horses are great, but there are certain bits of them which are particularly appealing.
No 1: The Nose
If you don’t love a horse nose you must be a terrible person. Get away from my blog. Go on, shoo and leave the rest of us to fondle these velvety nuggets of angelic goodness. Not all horses like having their noseys stroked, but those that do are sharing one of nature’s greatest experiences. They’re soft, they make wuffly noises, they nudge you for treats and they’re soooooo silky. Occasionally they blow revolting snot which looks like custard but we’ll forgive them for the sublime moments when you stroke a soft nosey and the horse just looks at you like ‘yeah, consider this a reward for all the hay and carrots’. Tweet with #horsenose and you’ll get a guaranteed RT. That’s how much I love horse noses.
No 2: The Ears
Hahahahaha! Your horse is a sleek, expensive show pony but it still has hairy ears like an old man. Except that old men don’t have such expressive ears, even the ones with giant lobes. Lobes, what a great word. But I digress. Horse ears are all soft and fluffy and you can usually tell what she’s thinking. Ears up and forward – ooooh, an interesting noise/person/dinner. Ears back – what are you doing round there? Ears flat – I might actually kill you. Tally likes being scritched inside her ears, which is a terrible hardship. Mr Sausage has the best ears though, they’re all pointy and elvish, which quite suits an off-duty unicorn like Mr S.
No 3: The Lips
This is really two for the price of one. Firstly there’s the awesome saggy lip dangle when your horse is really relaxed. Mr Sausage does the best dangle. You could probably pour half a pint of tea in there without him noticing.
Secondly there’s their amazing almost-prehensile upper lip. It’s like two tiny little fingers in a velvet glove. I love the way they use it to pick up grass and nudge your hand for treats.
Of course the very best prehensile upper lip belongs to the moose and if you want to know what one tastes like here is an article on preparing one for dinner: www.fourpoundsflour.com/the-history-dish-moose-face/. I have no idea what horse lip tastes like but if you ever visit Mongolia, where it’s probably a delicacy, feel free to report back.
No 3: The Arse
So much roundness. Ploughing must have been great, because you got to stare, in a completely non freakish way, at a huge round arse for the whole day. Horses are totally comfortable in their huge arsed roundness which is surely a lesson for all of us. Plumptious. There’s another great word. Horse baby got back, oh yeah.
No 4: The Moustache
None of the horses on our yard have a moustache. Not a single one. I am sad about this because horse moustaches are just awesome. If your horse can grow one you should take pictures and the world will embrace you for bringing joy to our troubled times.
There are horse bits I’m less fond of…
Teeth: They’re ugly and brown. They hurt when they bite you on the tit. For some reason I have lots of American followers and readers. You guys take shiny white teeth seriously, right? How can you look your horse in the mouth with those revolting tombstones staring back at you?
The rude bits: Horse butt is fine. It’s pleasingly round and I like that in nature (see also: manatees, woodlice, sleeping dormice). Horse bits on the other hand are stinky and nasty. Mrs MASB has told me stories of having to clean under the foreskin of gentleman horses, using a sponge on a stick and rubber glove. Our sweet mare has a special sponge which you don’t ever want to use on your tea mug. My horse care skills may be forever incomplete but not even horse Yoda is going to persuade me to fondle one of those huge dangly OH MY GOD HE’S GOT IT OUT AGAIN, IT’S DOWN TO HIS KNEES lengths of nasty sausage.